Harrisburg office (717) 231-3400 | Philadelphia office (215) 446-7800 | Wilkes-Barre office (570) 820-2210 Department of Veterans Affairs (Criminal Investigations Division, Office of the Inspector General) There you have it.Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and ExplosivesĪTF is a law enforcement agency in the United States’ Department of Justice that protects our communities from violent criminals, criminal organizations, the illegal use and trafficking of firearms, the illegal use and storage of explosives, acts of arson and bombings, acts of terrorism, and the illegal diversion of alcohol and tobacco products. Maybe these so-called beasts are just ticked off about people not taking global warming seriously enough? These “monsters” are the original ecologists and they’re pissed at humans for screwing with Earth, which might explain all the - err - rampant anti-human sentiment. Yes, you’ll scarcely ever find a vampire, zombie, werewolf, or other monster building a polystyrene plant, starting up a mountain top removal coal mining operation, or riding around gas-guzzling jet skis. So, while we humans spill oil left and right, pollute the oceans with islands of plastic, and buy pedigreed pooches from puppy mills, monsters work within the restrictions of nature to peacefully coexist with their delicate surroundings. Humans still like to plunk their butts down on patio furniture made from Amazonian rainforest wood. The Abominable Snowman heads up a powerful lobby, which seeks to influence lawmakers into passing hundreds of new anti-deforestation laws before the year 2015. Golf-loving tourists hate windmills unless they’re on a putt-putt course.ġ1.
Nessie has created a hydropower initiative to solve Donald Trump’s anti-wind-farm plot. Brains, blood, and entrails are a much cleaner form of energy, the mining of which is making great strides in taking care of that pesky overpopulation problem.ġ0. Humans are now engaging in highly-destructive hydraulic fracturing (“fracking”). Werewolves would just assume eat cage-free, free-range mutton.ĩ. Humans enjoy feasting on inhumanely farmed veal and foie gras. Werewolves run in packs, the original “carpooling.” Humans invented the Prius, ultimately finding a way to make being green look really, really douchy.Ĩ. Humans value frequent flyer miles like gold.Ħ. Vampires can fly, thus limiting their need for SUVs and LearJets. Werewolves only eat raw, unprocessed food.
Humans leave the lights on in their apartments and McMansions.Ĥ. Zombies live in groups, conserving electricity. How many solar panels are on your house?ģ. Werewolves are the first species to hone lunar energy. Humans drink bottled water, often poured into Styrofoam cups.Ģ. Vampires drink blood and are anything but wasteful. Together, these “monsters” are a force to be reckoned with.ĭon’t believe it? Consider these eleven key points:ġ. ‘Eco-vampire’ Ian Somerhalder works as the liason between the EPA and Hollywood. The Abominable Snow man is press secretary. The Loch Ness Monster serves as both mascot and treasurer of the organization.
Top secret government paranormal agency full#
(Conspiracy Alert: The human EPA is merely a cover!) This secret cabal meets on every other full moon at midnight in a windmill-powered organic chocolate factory in Zurich, Switzerland to discuss policy pertaining to us planet-harming mortals.
Need more evidence? You’ve heard of the EPA, right? Well, high-ranking officers including Dracula, Teen Wolf, and Frankenstein head up the leadership of the Environmental Paranormal Agency, a top-secret government branch sanctioned the United Nations, which works with military and PR support from Interpol and PETA. Say what you will about munching on brains, at least seagulls don’t often choke on grey matter wrappers at the beach. “ How can that be beneficial for anything?” Well, havoc-wreaking comes in many forms. Did you know that vampires, werewolves, zombies, and most other ‘monsters’ are naturally eco-friendly? “ But monsters eat people, haunt things, and generally wreak havoc,” you say.
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